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A rich man hired a servant on a condition; if he broke a plate or cup he would be sacked. On the first day of his job he went to the employer’s room with a tray having bone-china crockery in it. Suddenly the tray fell from his hand and all the crockery got broken. Having seen it, he said to the man, ‘All the cups and plates have been broken therefore he is going to leave your job.’ The man got stunned.
An old and ill man, aged 110 years was asked by a guy, ‘If you get an opportunity to live another twenty years, what you will want to do first.’
‘I would like to die first,’ he replied.
A manager was interviewing a prospective candidate. The manager asked him, ‘Already you had joined the service at seven places but you couldn’t continue in any one of them more than six months. What is the reason for that?’
The candidate replied, ‘After six months you will get the answer of your question yourself.’
A clerk got a lottery worth of rupees five lakh. He went jumping to his wife and said, ‘I got a lottery so that I would bring you a lot many expensive saris.’
She retorted, ‘No! I have already so many saris. They all are good enough. Now I need such dresses that other women wear.’
‘What has happened as you are looking sad?’
‘What can I tell you? Sometime I feel my wife doesn’t love me.’
‘You do one thing! You occasionally give her surprise. This refreshes the love between husband and wife.’
‘Today again, you are looking morose.’
‘Having accepted your suggestion, yesterday I went home with a bouquet. Seeing me, she said how sweet they are! After that I entered in my bed room; for giving her another surprise, I took out my revolver and fired in the air. My wife screamed and fell unconscious. Along with this a man came out of the cupboard and ran out of the room.’
Chandu: I have started a marriage bureau; for proposal, press one; for engagement, press two; for marriage, press three.
Nandu: What about second marriage.
Chandu: Press the throat of the first wife.
My neighbor, Popat Lal, seems to be a strange man. I think he has no love with children. You can always see him loitering.
‘What is to be happened?’ Yesterday, I told him that my wife had become pregnant. Having heard it, he fell unconscious.
In the end, he said to her, ‘If I say you that I love you, I hope you will not feel bad.’
‘No, no, never,’ the lady replied.
‘It means you have not yet fallen in love.’
‘No, you are at fault. I never feel bad at this point.’
A drunkard was going to his house but fell down after stumbling. A passerby helped to stand him up and said, ‘Oh, your trouser has been wet in blood.’
The drunkard replied soon, ‘Oh! Thank God! I thought my bottle which was kept in my pocket had broken.’
There were very few passengers inside the bus; even then a traveler was standing. A man, sitting on a seat, said to him, ‘Why don’t you take a seat?’
“I am in a hurry,” he replied, “I am already late for the office.”
The real brave man is the one who reaching home in intoxicated state and having seen broom in his wife’s hand says, ‘Oh darling, you are still cleaning the house.’
Preeto – Raja, lives in neighborhood, got ninety seven percent marks in mathematics.
Santa – Really! But where had the remaining three marks left?
Preeto – Our Bunty has got the remaining three marks.
A husband – If you continue wasting the money in this way, soon we will beg.
The wife – No problem, I have got enough practice after begging every morning and evening.
A wife – When you unveiled my face at honeymoon, how I was looking.
The husband – If I hadn’t recited ‘Hanuman Chalisa’, I would have died.
Wife – When you take local brand of spirit, you call me ‘Paro’. When you take imported brand, you say to
me darling. What have you taken today?
Husband – Today, I haven’t taken anything. You devil!
Husband – I was so foolish that I married you.
Wife – Yes, I knew it but I thought you would be changed.
Husband (roared) – I will neither wash clothes, utensils and nor any other house hold work since after.
Wife – OK. Don’t do but first you come out of under the bed.
Newly married boy – let us make a love.
The girl – No.
The boy – Why don’t it?
The girl – I promised my mother that I would leave all the wrong doing after my marriage.
A lover to his girl friend – Say such thing which makes my heart beating fast.
The girl friend – My father is coming after you taking a shoe in his hand.
Anna phoned his wife, ‘Listen! I can’t come home. Somebody has stolen steering, breaks, clutch from my car.’
After one hour, he again telephoned to his wife, ‘I am coming. By mistake, I sat on the back seat of my car.’
During examination days: Yesterday, I realized, ‘When I open my book I get such a sound sleep that I have never experienced in my life.
Buy milk products prepared in our farmhouse because they are 100% pure. If anybody proves our claim wrong, he will be rewarded by 1000 rupees. The proof our honesty is that we have rewarded twelve people till now.
A traffic police inspector got a car stopped and asked the driver to show the driving license. Having seen the license, the inspector allowed him to go. The driver said, ‘I have not broken any traffic rule so why you stopped me.’ The inspector replied, ‘after a very long time I saw a man in the city who was driving the car carefully so I wanted to see whether he had the driving license or not.’
A patient asked the doctor, ‘Speak the truth, how long I will live.’ The doctor enquired him of asking such a question. He said, ‘If my life is short why I ought to start a new TV serial having one thousand episodes.’
Visiting the jail a leader said to the jailer, ‘Thank you for cooperation.’
The jailor replied, ‘Mention not sir, the doors of our jail are always open for you.’
Two friends met after a long time and one of them took the other to her house. Having seen an effigy of a lion in the drawing room she said to her friend, ‘It’s a beautiful lion you got it from where.’ The host friend replied, ‘Once I went for hunting with my husband in a jungle. A lion came in front of my husband so he shot at him but the target missed. The lion returned after some time and I shot it dead.’
The guest friend asked her, ‘What is filled inside the lion’s effigy.’
‘My husband,’ the host replied.
An American joke: To change a bulb how many lawyers are required? ‘Four advocates.’ Why.’
‘One lawyer climbs on the ladder and will try to put the bulb in a holder. Two lawyers will hold the ladder and after some time they will shake the ladder violently. Fourth advocate will sue the ladder company.’
A thief was caught from his house. When the police was about to take him away his wife told him, ‘Listen, today in the morning I have ordered the grocery shop to send pulses, wheat flour and some other necessary eatables. As the shop is on the way so you tell him to send all these items in half the quantity of the placed order.’
My father said to me, ‘If I leave cigarette, liquor and some other bad habits he will give me one lakh of rupees.’
‘Then you leave these bad habits,’ his friend said to him.
If I leave these habits what I will do with the money.
‘What is the best creation of God?’
‘Who said it?’
‘Some man told it.’
‘What is the difference between a leader and a dacoit?’
‘The police are found in front of former and behind latter.’
There was a notice board in front of a shop, ‘If men want to buy curtains, bed sheets etc., they must come with an authority letter duly signed by their wives.’
‘Should I marry a girl whom my parents like or I? To ask this question is like this: Should I suicide by eating poison or hanging?’
My friends are good; I got it when I was going to Mumbai. My three friends came to the station to see me off. They came with some snacks, drinks and sweets. The moment the train left the station they sat on the platform and started eating.
Pandit: Neta ji, if you tell a lie you will go to hell.
Neta ji: If I speak the truth it will also be proved like a hell for me. After telling the truth I will be defeated in the election.
Wanted an experienced man, who can teach a man interested in marriage that he is going to do blunder in his life.
‘Yesterday there was a theft in our neighborhood.’
‘Who was affected?’
‘It happened in a lock manufacturing factory. The thieves stole many thousand keys and locks.’
I thought you are timid but tell me how you saved the drowning man.
The fact was that he borrowed from me five thousand rupees. If he had drowned my money would also have drowned.
A man asked a leader, ‘Sir, why did he refuse the shoe factory invitation on its opening ceremony.’
The leader replied, ‘I have enough experience of last year’s election. It will be better if the shoes production go down.’
What can be bigger foolishness than it is that you think you are intelligent?
The people in Australia generally ask a question when Warn Field does so much exercise out of the field why he has obesity.
A man living near the police station went somewhere on his scooter without helmet after having dinner. He went hardly a hundred yards when a police inspector stopped to challan him.
The man said he was going to have a ‘Pan’. Having cut the challan the inspector told him we should go to take ‘Pan’ together and asked what he was.
The man replied his name is Munna Lal and he runs a ‘Pan’ shop.
In a concert, after hearing many songs of singers a boy asked his father, ‘Why these people are singing songs here?’
The father replied yawning, ‘I think their neighbors don’t allow them to sing at their home.’
‘I want to marry such a girl who will look after me in my old age.’
‘He said it to his wife forty years ago. Now he keeps on serving his ill wife.’
She said to the father of naughty children, ‘Take care of them. I will come back after getting my tooth extracted.’
Her husband replied, ‘You take care of them. I will get my tooth removed.’
‘Oh! Where have you got this monkey’s son?’
‘Yesterday, I got it on the terrace. I think his mother had left him. See, black and white stripes on his chest. He looks like a zebra. I think he belongs to the rare species of monkeys.’
‘Take him to zoo if you accept my proposal.’
Third day: ‘You are still moving with the baby monkey. I told you to take him to zoo.’
‘Yes, I took him to zoo yesterday. I showed him many animals. Having seen them he was happy. Today I am thinking to take him to Cinema.’
There was an advertisement about matrimonial in a newspaper. ‘An old man needs a life partner who may be educated or not, but should be homely, mild and obedient.’
He got many letters but in one of them it was written, ‘Dear sir, you don’t need wife but a dog. I am going abroad and have a pet dog so I am ready to sell my dog. My dog is mild in nature, obedient and uneducated.’
A judge asked a lady, ‘Why do you want to divorce him?’
She replied, ‘Sir, my husband came at 2 o’clock at night and was drunk. I put off his shoes, got his clothes changed and served him dinner. After that he told me how I loved and helped him so much, Rambha darling.’
‘But this is not the solid reason of divorce,’ the judge enquired of her.
She clarified, ‘My name is not Rambha but Usha.’
At the time of crossing the graveyard, a drunkard looked at the grave of a leader and saw the board on it. Something was written on it: He is not dead but only resting here.
The drunkard murmured, ‘He is trying to make people fool even after death.’
‘Looking restless. Are you alright?’
‘There was no electricity at night so that I couldn’t sleep properly.’
‘Don’t worry. The electricity department will have been handed over to a private company after some months then everything will be alright.’
‘How can you say so confidently?’
‘In private sector everything prospers as our population is increasing day by day.’